Tough....or at least trying...

So *ALL NEW IN ALICIA'S FITNESS LIFE* 

Tough Mudder training program. 
I hesitate to spend too much time talking about it, for fear that you will pressure me into actually doing this. 
But the workout is crazy intense, and makes me think I could eventually become invincible. 

Something happened to me on Saturday morning. It's not often that I have these moments, but somewhere between thinking that I might not make it through a whole Group Power class (about mid-way through the warm up), and the third track (chest)...

I did a push up. 
I did a bunch of push ups. 
I did enough push ups to prove to myself that I could do it. 
and it felt good. 

So, why not push it a bit farther? 
My dear friend (and fellow crazy) is training to participate in the 2014 September Tough Mudder. 
I have not yet committed to doing this, but I HAVE committed to the training. 
At least until I become god-like and un-stoppable (or I die). 
Tonight was workout #2 on this program. 
I'll keep you posted.

Wish me luck ;)

This princess is nearly a queen...

Halloween - the one day every year that I get up a little bit early to don the perfect princess hairstyle and put on my prettiest dress to match my tiara. 

It's a tradition. 

Tiara wearing of course is not reserved just for Halloween. My birthday is the other day of the year that I pull the tiara out of storage and take on my true form, princess Alicia. 

Over the years I've been many kinds of princesses. Princess in a flowing gown, hippie princess, Sailor Moon...the list goes on. Judge me as you will, but there is something about giving in to the gender stereotypes and living the castle-dwelling dream for one day that makes the whole world feel right. Like I could do anything. 

This year I got dressed in the dark. Typical well-practised bouffant hairstyle, sparkles on the cheeks, a little extra attention to the eye make up, and of course the crinoline under the skirt to really drive it home. It wasn't until just before noon that I had the chance to look at the whole costume in the mirror. 

That's when I noticed something different...

That fresh dewy princess face that typically greets me all day Halloween was replaced by a face that seemed to resemble a princess who was just about past her prime; A spoiled Peach, a Cinderella in Hush Puppies. The face that looked back at me closer resembled...a queen....

Suddenly I was struck by the meagre length of my skirt...was it inappropriate?

I was weighed down by the responsibilities. My mind quickly went to that salad in my lunch bag with the carefully measured feta cheese and closely tracked calorie count...

Am I turning into a "mature adult"?

MY TIME's NOT UP!! I haven't even had the chance to have a MASQUERADE BALL YET!!!! 

Heavy Stuff.

So I went back to my desk and cracked open a couple of candy wrappers. Just enough wrapper jingling and to take my mind off the mirror and put me back in the festive mood; The sweet melting bubbles of the Aero bar somewhat spoiled by the thought of laugh lines taking over my smooth sparkly cheeks...

Mirror, Mirror on the wall - WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?!? 

So for all you princesses and queens out there. All my love and lots of chocolate. We can get through this together ;)

Blogging and tweeting...what would your grandmother think?

How do people stay engaged? Is tweeting the future of connection? Words and codes strung together to both draw people in and push people out. #whouseshashtagsanyway? 

I've recently been trying to move and shake (or at least stutter and quiver) in the Twitter world...I have a loose understanding of what is acceptable, and I have an equally (perhaps greater) loose grasp on what is relevant and interesting. My youth would likely loudly and enthusiastically tell you just how lame and old I'm getting. But in the Twitter world age doesn't matter and we are all relevant in some way (regardless of what those young hooligans may tell us). 

Trouble is, much like blogging and any other social media "engagement," it takes TIME. It takes me opening up twitter every morning to catch up on what my followed personalities or businesses have been saying, keeping the window open for most of the day to catch up on what else is "trending." Perhaps logging on to my twitter app on my phone throughout the day, or getting notifications to my email. 

Not only that, but much of the content is biased. We all have an angle or an agenda. The biggest difference is likely in the opportunity to share, engage and respond which is not as easily accessible with typical news sources. 

All that being said, I'm realizing that it's impossible, without serious investment of time, to keep my finger on the pulse of the Waterloo Region. But I'm closer now to understanding it than I have ever been. Is that thanks to Twitter? 

While "blog" and "tweet" may sound to previous generations like lingo with a likely dark or inappropriate edge, we have come to understand these terms in light of their possibility; A connection to our wider world and an opportunity to learn and share. So here I go, back into the melting pot of social media. 

So how do YOU stay engaged? 

Oops, gotta run - 11 new tweets just popped up! 

Pumpkin Cheesecake, Pecan Pie and the downfall of courageous men and women all over Canada

It happened, Thanksgiving that is. 

As I was preparing to eat a piece of pie this weekend someone asked me, "are you going to blog about that?" - C'mon guys, just ONE piece!?!?! lol

Yes pie and cheesecake and turkey and stuffing and ham and potatoes and SO many things that make your mouth water. ALL ON ONE WEEKEND!!!

To many this sounds like a great victory - "LET THEM EAT CAKE!" they yell as they dance into the dining room filling their plates with goodies and treats...."NO CONSEQUENCES!!" more shout as they fill their plates with Turkey and gravy. 

And yet to others this sounds like the beginning of a downward spiral. Perhaps even defeat. 

Of course suggesting this also suggests that there are no folks in the middle of this spectrum who either care mildly or don't care at all about any of the above, it doesn't affect their life more than planning to be away from home for an afternoon or evening. We live in spectrum - I understand this. 

I live closer to the defeat end of the spectrum. My Thanksgivings, Christmas' and Easters usually begin and end with unhealthy self-talk and a struggle to break the pattern. I can eat salad for months and be perfectly happy, but set me down in front of a dinner buffet and I'm finished. 

Set aside the feeling of being "overfull" or "miserable" after you eat all that food...
I dare you to try and set aside the feeling of reward or satisfaction after taking that 1st, 3rd or 5th bite of pie? 
I can forget how gross I felt after I binge on stuffing and gravy (with complete social acceptance btw) but I can't forget how tasty that buttery stuffing was as it passed over my tongue. 

So the battle becomes - how do I stop living "Thanksgiving" when Black Friday has come and gone? 

I don't have an answer.

If I did I'd be a size 2-4 and laughing at the pumpkin cheesecake still sitting in my refrigerator when I get home, maybe even tossing him in the garbage...Instead he will likely talk me into taking a bite...and then he may suggest strongly that I skip the gym....and if he's really smooth maybe he'll remind me of the stuffing that is still nestled deep within the shelf just behind the leftover turnip...Oh cheesecake....I'll win one of these days....maybe even today... 

I've been so good....why is nothing changing???

There is a part of me that stares at the scale on Monday mornings and thinks, "What the heck? You were so good last week - how is it possible that it hasn't moved?" 

Or the other Monday mornings when the scale has taken a turn upwards rather than downwards - "I've been so good!"

I need to be real for a minute here. There are some things that slip willingly into my "unconsciousness" that I need to address with my conscious mind.

Calories in - Calories out: The number of calories on average that my body needs is wildly skewed when I allow my weekend to become a full on cheat-fest. . . I need to think smarter about ways to enjoy my weekend without ruining any weekday progress. Just because it's the weekend doesn't mean the calories find some other ass to attach themselves to...

Water Weight: I know I don't drink enough water for my  body to flush properly. Weekends are especially terrible because I have been known to befriend a bottle of wine or two...delicious friends, terrible influences on my hydration. 

Wheat/Gluten: Even though it is possible for me to eat these delicious additives a couple of times a week with little "felt" consequence, the affect on my body is still negative - bloating, increased sensitivity....etc.

So I ask myself - "What the heck?" but really, I know why there's no real change.  I know I  need to make changes to the way I think about weekends if I want to see any more progress on that scale. 

Ready or Not...here it comes!

Tell me it's not October already!?!?! 

So, the month has come and gone, September's fitness challenge happened...

Now on to the next! 

2nd VERSE JUST LIKE THE FIRST, A LITTLE BIT LOUDER AND A LITTLE BIT WORSE!

Goal: 8lbs
Timeline: 1 month

For most of September I maintained that 5lbs I lost at the beginning. Now time for a bit of an extra push, less cheating on the weekend, more cardio - 6km runs!!

How did your September go? It's a fresh start today, nothing can hold us back, no matter what our goals - fitness or otherwise! :)

I'm too fat to go to the gym...

So I have to rage a little bit here. I can't COUNT the number of times I've heard someone say, "I'd love to go to the gym, I just need to lose a little bit of weight first." 

SERIOUSLY!?!?! What have we done to ourselves? 

I know when I first started working out I was the girl in the back row of treadmills pressed against the wall, PRAYING that no one noticed me in my ratty old t-shirt from some youth gathering and track pants that I had been wearing as PJ pants up until that week that I finally decided to take the plunge. I was a keen watcher trying to discover - What the heck am I supposed to DO here!?!? (or more accurately - What does everyone else do here so I know what I won't be judged for). 

One of the greatest blessings of my gym experience was that I was made to feel welcome. When I looked around the gym at the A.R. Kaufman Y I didn't see a bunch of slender muscular women and men lifting weights gracefully without breaking a sweat. I saw people doing what they could to be fit. I once walked/ran on a treadmill beside a 400 pound man who was carrying his Oxygen tank with him and accompanied by a worker as he sweated heavily through a workout a 2km/hour. I understood very quickly that the Y was not a place where people dressed up and did their makeup to meet men. Nor was it was not a place where bodybuilders stood and checked themselves out in the mirrors, blocking the 60 year old woman's line of sight when she did her bent rows. This was a place where we came to get healthy, whatever stage we were at. 

So I feel lousy when people have a different experience than that. 

My friend Barb sent me some reading today (smart woman, well read), much of it that may inform some of the content you read here day-to-day. The following images were included in the package, and they really tickled me...so I wanted to share. 

Fitness is not for the fit my friends; It is for us all. Fitness does not mean being a size 2 or fitting into the jeans you kept from high school; It means being healthy at every size and every stage. And fitness is not for the put together; it is for the sweaty, the smelly, the grunting and the committed.  Find your fit, and if you're struggling to figure it out, reach out and let someone know you need a hand. We're all in this together!

Confidence

Confidence. 

I am a well adjusted, kind, good looking woman with lots to offer. 

When I am in a room full of strangers, given the task of welcoming or greeting I am the best version of myself, head held high, engaging, sweet. 

When I am given the task of speaking or performing for a large group of people, I am a charismatic, smiling pillar of confidence. 

Strip all that away and I would say my inner self allows me to feel confidence on a ratio of 80:20 on any given day. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN? 

I have every reason to feel completely self assured. Great jobs that I love, self control and reasonably good looks, a good life with a great man. So what the heck is my problem? 

I typically try to stay away from self-help-esque websites, I tend to have a no-nonsense outlook and a lot of times these websites and books just add to the confusion. However, this one grabbed me: 

Why it that some people, the Donald Trumps of the world, seem to believe only the best about themselves, while others—perhaps especially women, perhaps especially young women—seize on the most self-critical thoughts they can come up with? "It turns out there's an area of your brain that's assigned the task of negative thinking," says Louann Brizendine, MD, a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and the author of The Female Brain. "It's judgmental. It says 'I'm too fat' or 'I'm too old.' It's a barometer of every social interaction you have. It goes on red alert when the feedback you're getting from other people isn't going well." This worrywart part of the brain is the anterior cingulate cortex. In women, it's actually larger and more influential, as is the brain circuitry for observing emotions in others. "The reason we think females have more emotional sensitivity," says Brizendine, "is that we've been built to be immediately responsive to the needs of a nonverbal infant. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing." 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Why-Women-Have-Low-Self-Esteem-How-to-Feel-More-Confident/1#ixzz2fiiNsWLN

Science....egads, predisposition...There are some days I wake up and I feel like I'm on the brink of severe mental illness. I get stuck inside my head, I let myself dwell in the negative, I allow myself to feel weak and ugly and useless and lame. 

Anybody else? Ladies? Gentlemen? 

So fighting the good fight for me means fighting myself a lot of days. Fighting to hear the words of my friends and family as positive rather than a sarcastic dig. Fighting to see the glances of strangers as friendly exploration rather than cold judgement. 

I am my own worst enemy. 

Another Workout Down...Against my Better Judgement

Tired, grumpy, lazy, sad, un-motivated, bored....

Those are all words that described me for most of my day today. I even came home at lunch and shared my doom and gloom with Cliff, who of course takes it all in stride (apparently I'm a moody girlfriend). 

These are the days when I am tempted to eat garbage, laze around and feel miserable for myself. That being said, I'm a happy, well-adjusted person - everybody has bad days. 

Success for me today: 
1. Was able to get out of the house tonight for a bit thanks to a really great friend. 
2. I still had a gold star day despite Falafel dinner and a lameo start.
3. Got a quick cardio workout in to battle the above mentioned dinner - and my mood. 

Am I 100% better? Not likely. 
Am I better at all? Heck yes. 
I never met a workout I regretted when it was all finished. 

Moral of the story: Get up and do something about it. (I'm saying this to me more than anyone else). You can't be in control of your life from the couch and you can't change anything if you keep standing still. Move. 

UPDATE!!!

So it's nearly been a month since I announced our FALL FITNESS CHALLENGE!!! I have to say, things are going better than I thought. 

The first week into the competition was awful - a lot of the same garbage I was up to in August (laziness, eating whatever I felt like, depressed nights, over-wheating) It wasn't until the second week that I really picked myself up and decided to actually give it a go. 

So far, I've had some good days and some bad. I've really been working on not giving in to the part of me that wants to just shut down at the end of the day. I realize I wasted so many hours just sitting around feeling bad for myself and that's not ok no matter how you paint it. So even on my red star days I'm working to stay positive. 

Keys to success
1 day at a time: The nice thing about assigning yourself a star for each day is that it really reinforces that EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY. I might have gotten a red star today, but I can still get a gold star tomorrow. 

Track, track, track: I know I'm more successful when I'm tracking everything I eat. As I mentioned in an earlier post MyFitnessPal is such a great app for that. It's mobile, it's detailed and it's EASY. When I get the craving to drive-thru instead of eating from my cupboards or going to the store, I pull out my phone and type in "McDonalds" to the search bar (MyFitnessPal's users have created a really detailed list of foods that include everything from the good to the bad and even the ugly). When I type in McDonalds and see that a Big Mac Meal with a diet coke is nearly 1000 calories....I can talk myself down WAY easier - because I don't have 2 hours to jump on the elliptical tonight, and I've already eaten half of my calories for the day. 

Scheduled work outs: I have the benefit of teaching classes 2-3 times/week and 3 gyms I could use for my work outs. Regardless of your limitations or accessibility I can't stress enough PLAN YOUR WORKOUTS!!! Set a date with yourself - I'm going to walk for 1 hour tonight, I'm going to do 100 pushups this morning, etc. 

Plan Ahead: If I didn't pack my lunch the night before I would hit up a fast food restaurant every day....I know this, because I lived that life for a couple of months (I was both poor AND chubby...so depressing). Plan it ahead and make it good. Plan for one thing you look forward to every day. I've been putting two pieces of lindt chocolate bar in my lunch every day for that - "UGH" moment of every day. A little chocolate goes a long way when it's so delicious, and because there are only two pieces in there, I only EAT two pieces. :)


SUCCESSES: 
1. 4.4lbs down!!!
2. One of my class participants that I haven't seen in a couple of weeks approached me at the gym last night and was wildly (and unexpectedly) complimentary of my "progress" - this was unsolicited btw. Thanks to his positive vibes I hit up the elliptical for an extra 10 minutes - it all counts!

Progress to date - Looking a little golder ;)

Fall Fitness Challenge!!

So a few ladies around the office (and many ladies AND gentlemen in my life) have been aching for a change lately. Not just that, aching for some motivation, some accountability, and some fun...

So I've decided that September will begin my FALL FITNESS CHALLENGE!!!!

What does it mean? 

For the ladies who will join me from the office it will mean a daily ranking system determined by the following: 

1. Physical Activity - SOME kind of physical activity. Goal:  30 min per day, get your heart rate up and/or get a bit sweaty. 

2. Eating Healthy - A GOOD effort to eat within your calorie needs and eat good-for-you foods like fruits and vegetables, lean proteins and whole grains.  Goal: 1200-1500 calories (depending on body size and goals)

EASY right? 

Maybe...

We will rank ourselves by a star system. 

GOLD star - Both Physical activity and Healthy Eating goals were met for the day!

GREEN star - At least ONE of those goals was met
RED star - Not a great day overall...but tomorrow is a new day!

I'm thinking that in order to be effective, this challenge will run between September-December. It's way easier to live a healthy lifestyle if the people around you are doing the same. 

What's the reward?? - Longevity, Health, camaraderie, habit forming behaviours...BUT I'm thinking in the end a day at the Spa would be nice too...More on that later. 

SO, would you like to join us? Print yourself out a Microsoft Word Calendar, get some stars...OR just use a pen and some pictures (Grinning face, smiling face, frowning face?)

You've got 5 days to decide...are you up for the challenge? 

Reflections from the bottom of the pit

I ate icing with a spoon last night. 
I searched my house for anything else terrible and gluttonous that I could follow up the icing for (thank God my cupboards are full of health food)
I played video games for 3 hours instead of leaving my house or calling up a friend.
I used a headache as an excuse to skip out on running group or any workout. 
I allowed myself to feel fat and useless. 

I'm feeling defeated - but what else is new? 

I had lunch with a kindred spirit recently. We're all in this together. 
Hearing her story, hearing her speak of the battle - the SHARED battle - was good for my soul. 
Thank you Barb.

What do I know with absolute certainty? The way that we treat ourselves, the images that we allow "in" and the damage that we do to not only ourselves, but everyone around us is enormous. 

What else do I know?....I can't live there. You can't live there. We can't be angry forever - but we have to be something. Do something, discover something, something different.

Those images and messages affect us whether we rage against them or not. So how to I affect my own internal messaging? I need dig deep into the will power that I know I have. 

Does that mean I have to be skinny? Is thin the magic answer? 

When I lost most of my weight the first time around I was arrogant. I was a self-righteous, annoying bitch who just wanted everyone to know. I made people think it was easy, I used my "thin-ness" to get things I knew Fat me couldn't have...I was also delusional. 

I believed that being thin would change me. That's why it did. I believed that when I was thin I would be okay, and I would stop struggling, and life would be better. 

25 pounds later I realize thin does not equal easy, and it's not getting easier. 
25 pounds later I understand more poignantly what the battle is about. 
25 pounds later I realize that maybe I've never been meant to be a size 8, but a healthy size 12 might not be so ridiculous to aim for.25 pounds later I wish I could gather together every woman and girl who believes she is too fat to live the life she wants and hold her until she knows that she is not a monster, she is not broken and she is better and stronger and smarter than any label, or judgement or bullshit that anyone puts onto her. 

So despite feeling defeated today, I push forward. Not to the magical "thin" Alicia that will finally be okay. 
I'm okay. 
I just need to accept it and live a healthy active life - for me. 

end rant. 

(but if you need to continue to rage on, do so here: http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/)

Triumphant Return

We survived a week in the wilds! 

I have to say, it's weeks like this that remind me of why I do what I do. A group of 20+ youth hanging around and learning and growing...Makes me feel young and refuels my energy! It's more of a spiritual energy that is refuelled however, I'm EXHAUSTED!!!

I was able to get out for one good run with a fellow leader - Sebastian. We did a 6.5k "ish" run around Eden Mills and surrounding area. I was foolish enough to forget that the first 3-4k were all uphill, but the run ends down Ash Street in Eden Mills which is a beautiful tree lined shaded lane sparse with houses and nice and flat. The flat road was the best part, but I was worn out from those hills. By the time we made it back to the cabin my running buddy experienced a back spasm and I was nauseous from the heat. We were quite the pair, but we made it! 

I offered our campers the option of doing a work out every morning, sort of a boot camp style "class" and they were so excited (much to my surprise). Both ladies we took along with us were athletes, taking part in either Hockey or Ringette. As an example of just how naturally athletic they were, at the end of the week I handed them some play-dough to play with during our lesson and they immediately created a ball which they used to play catch... So, true to my word I followed through with what we called an "Early Morning Fitness Challenge" and option offered up to anyone in the camp that wanted to participate. The incentive - the winner of each morning's challenge would be rewarded on Friday with ice cream for breakfast!!! (I realize the duality of the message, but c'mon, it's camp!) 

Sure enough, every morning I had a few youth get up and join me in the field at 7:15am  

Our challenge included a deck of cards, each suit had a different exercise attached to it:

(Hearts - burpees, Spades - Crunches, Diamonds - Triceps Dips, Clubs - Push-ups)
The number of "reps" were indicated by the number on the card:
(Aces, Jacks, Kings and Queens were all 10).
The Camper with the most cards at the end of the work out won. We warmed up each day with 20 jumping jacks and we finished our workout with a jog around cabin line field. 

The Friday morning breakfast ice cream was sweet, the company and the staff were all a delight, and yet I am happy to once again be sleeping in my own bed. This will be a tough week to get back into the swing because it ends in another 3 nights at camp! 

I hope everyone had a great week! 

Running Down a Dream

Hey Friends! 

Time for a bit of a check-in, hope your long weekends have been fantastic, It's been a gorgeous one! 

I'm off this week for an adventure at one of my favourite places in the world, Edgewood Camp. That means I'll be a bit off the grid for the week, so I won't be posting. One of the great things about being out at Edgewood is that there are so many long country roads to discover, so I will be taking my running shoes and exploring! Perhaps some pictures to come next week. Here's an oldie featuring my FAVE CAMP BABE Robyn!!!!! (forgive the picture of a picture) We were too hot for words those days...I believe this was some sort of "Nature" banquet perhaps? 

For all of you, have a great week and keep moving :)

A Positive Spin

I need to thank you. All of you. Those who read silently, and those who speak out. After my last post the responses were overwhelming, and so encouraging. I hate to dwell in the negative, and I'm so honoured to have such incredible friends and family members to help to drag me kicking and screaming out of what could have been a significant rut. Thank you. 

In light of my last post a dear friend emailed me via Facebook and shared a bit of their journey. I'd like to take a back seat on this post and let his story impact you like it did me. For those of us who generally see the glass as "half full" this may ignite something. Thank you so much for sharing. This has really shaped the way I've been thinking about myself and this journey this past week!

I've been fighting my weight every day for the better part of my life, and it's been a losing battle for most of it.

But I wanted to share with you a strange 'shift in mindset' that I've gone through recently.

A few months ago, my wife and I were talking, and we were talking about our weight loss woes. She said something that really got to me. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I'll paraphrase.

Me: I'm going to put a 'fat me' pic on the fridge to guilt me into not snacking. My Wife: How is that going to work? You don't respond well to negativity. Me: *pauses for a real long time, like a 'awkward silence' long time*

It was such a simple statement, but it is so wonderfully true. I do not respond well to negativity. Never have.

I know some people who feed off of negativity. They take it as a personal challenge, either to beat themselves or someone else. I'm not saying that negativity makes me run into a corner and cry to sleep, but I generally just 'filter' it out. It's almost like I just ignore the negative stuff.

So yeah, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been fighting my battle with my weight with the wrong weapons.

I put up 'fat me pictures' and weigh myself all the time and say "only 10 more pounds". I guilt myself into not eating. I look in the mirror and lament that it's not happening fast enough, and I critique myself when I'm not keeping up with some arbitrary standard. All this sucks. It just doesn't work for me.

So I'm changed how I look at things. I'm looking at the other side of the coin. It's change in attitude that reflects my normally optimistic attitude. I'm an optimist in almost every sense of my life, except for my weight battle. Time for that to change.

Instead of fighting my weight by looking at how much I have left to go, I look at how much I have done. I put up pictures of 'skinny me', and I put up pictures of my wife and son, to remind myself that I'm doing it for them as much as me. I even put up a picture of a 'StarFleet uniform' reminding me that If I really wanted to be a 'Star Trek' character, I need to be 'fit'. It's weird. I know.

My favourite part of that story is the last line. Fellow Geeks and Nerds unite!

So many thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I hope that you are encouraged as well, we're in it together, and no battle is won alone! :)

Happy Long Weekend Friends!

A Nerdy success picture! Here's to the next few pounds, we're doing great!

Yeah...she could stand to lose some weight...

SO I have to say, I've been debating putting this on here...but I think it's important...and I'm totally pissed...so I might as well share my misery! 

A good friend of mine and I occasionally get together in the midst of our busy lives to fit in a joint work out. It's way more fun to run your ass off with someone else than try to kill yourself on your own (although I do that 4 more times in a week anyway)...So we did, as we usually do. This dear friend shared details from an earlier conversation she had with a co-worker that shocked me.  It went like this (I assume some details as I was not present at the time):

Hey "friend of Alicia" what are you up to? 

Hey "seemingly friendly co-worker" I'm just about to go workout with Alicia. 

Oh, that's good, she could use to lose a few pounds. 

WHAAA!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? 

Some thoughts that come to mind: 
1. WHO ASKED YOU (insert terrible, slanderous cursing here)
2. You're really not one to talk (I could say some hurtful things here, but I really just don't think ANYone is one to talk about another person like that...)
3. You're a grown assed adult (we're not even talking 20 year old jock asshole, this is a full blown 45-50 year old man ...)
4. You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through, and you are not ME so you could not possibly understand what it means to be me fat, skinny or otherwise. 
5. Why would you say that to someone who was clearly my friend...did you really not think that it would get back to me? 
6. WHY can't I stop dwelling on this stupid comment?
7. Why would you say that to ANYONE????????????????

Okay, horse is dead...

I knew my weight has gotten bad...I just didn't realize it was THAT bad. I feel pretty hurt. 

There are so many things I'd like to say here. 

1. I'd really like to help more people understand what it feels like to look down every day and see a roll around your gut that makes you feel like a failure and less of a person. 
2.  I'd like to help people understand that not every person who is overweight has just given up on life and lives on the couch eating bon bons...it's a journey not a cruise. 
3. I wish that people (AND ME TOO) could understand that it takes TIME to lose weight. I'm fitter than I was 2 months ago, but it's not instant and I should not be made to feel bad just because I haven't hit the size 2 mark yet. 
4. I wish I could explain to people how very difficult it is to lose weight when every day you look in the mirror and think, this doesn't fit, I'm not there yet, I'm never going to be there. 
5.  I wish people could understand what a struggle it is to look into the world every day and see people who appear care free and naturally "thin" enjoying a life of over-indulgence and not appearing to pay the price (advertising, facebook, television, you name it)
6. Mostly I just wish that stupid people would keep their stupid mouths shut, but I'm afraid this would be a pretty quiet world if that was the case. 

I have a lot of feels. 
So that being said, we had a great workout tonight. Powered by the self-important fuel from some stupid asshole's big mouth...I'm stronger than he thinks. 

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

ARE YOU REAADDDYYYYYYYY TO CRUSH SOME CALORIES!?!?!?!?

My week: 

Monday - Need to do some Cardio, chillin' with Tdiddy later at Little Bean if you're around! 

Tuesday - EARLY Group Power (6:40am) - Come on out if you want to build big muscles and start your day right!! Meeting that night to talk with some important folks about an important community building BBQ coming up at Christ Lutheran in September (check out: www.christwaterloo.ca for details) 

Wednesday - Hanging out with the Newcomer Youth at the YMCA to talk about Employment, then on to RUNNING GROUP!!!! (in the hot hot heat...pray for us)

Thursday - Supper with one of my faves (hopefully no chili cheese fries...) and then GROUP POWER (6:40pm this time, again....come out if you're ready to rock)

Friday - Short day and then on to the JAYS GAME with another of my faves (YAHHH Crissy!!!) 

Goals: 

1. No wheat/gluten (I know I say this all the time, but it's a struggle...EVERYTHING has wheat, and it's really hard to weigh the consequences vs. the convenience sometimes)

2. Keep them calories low (STAY ON TRACK!!)
3. Hit the GYM - Every day (maybe not Friday...)

Hot as BALLS!!! Tennis balls that is...

So tonight, against my better judgement, I joined 3 of my running buddies at the A.R. Kaufman Family YMCA for a little "Outdoor Fitness Challenge" in the 40 degree heat...

Let me begin by saying, I was less than motivated today. In fact I'm close to writing off this whole week in terms of any sort of attempt at being healthy (it's already Wednesday for goodness sake). Today was one of those days that started with McDonalds and ended with Frozen Yogurt (topped with all sorts of delicious things that easily took the calorie count from about 200 to 1000...see picture below)

SO, despite feeling like I might puke, I ventured out into the parking lot of the Kaufman Y where I, and the other victims of Mat's evil schemes, ran around looking for hidden tennis balls, throwing tires around, doings burpees and passing fire hoses under our planked bodies...After recovering from the slight nausea (caused by the heat of course...not the hamburger I ate for supper), I had a pretty good time. Cheering someone on as they flip a tractor tire through the parking lot is fun. Pushing someone around until they fall down is a cool game, and sweating balls in the middle of a hot day with a bunch of friends is actually a worthy pursuit. 

Then it hit me again. It's not about just me on this journey. It's the "us" that counts. 

So this week has been me-centric, and I've been feeling miserable. I'mma go ahead and try to make this fun again. Give me a shout, I'll try to do the same for you. Lemme know what you're up to, what your struggles are, what the good news is...it's not just you or me out there doing it on our own. Without each other we WILL fail. 

Closing thought: If I never do another burpee in my life I'll be just fine ;)

Fat Girl inside

Hey Folks, how are you doing? 

I have to admit I have been on a bit of a mental vacation. 

Between lapses in brain waves and my laptop barely scraping through life one breath at a time...my blogging has been somewhat deficient lately...

Not just the blogging mind you. The eating, and the exercising, and the generally being healthy....has also been deficient. 

I shouldn't say that...I did have a couple of good days. At least I worked out a couple of times...it was a vacation after all...So why is it that I am left here on the first day after vacation with a bag of chips in my hands and a brownie recently swallowed? 

I blame the fat chick. 

Deep down inside of me there is a fat chick just BEGGING to be let out. If I let my guard down for ONE minute she pokes her *&$%#@! head out and devours everything in her path. She's lazy, she's tired, she's full of excuses and she is RUINING MY LIFE!!!!! At least my wardrobe...

So I'm back at 'er tomorrow. Swallowing back the urge to finish this bag of chips. 
Lunch is packed. Workouts planned. #prayforme

So we're down to once a week eh?

Hello Friends! 

Any other bloggers out there find their frequency waxing and waning on the blog-o-sphere? I'm still around, and still DOIN STUFF!!! 

So good news bears - 10lbs!!!! (that is, if that number can hold through this long weekend's fun)

How? 

1. worked out EVERY DAY, except 2 (Sunday, Monday) 
I did eat out a couple of times, big ticket items too (calorie wise) and then countered the calorie overload with an hour or so of cardio...
2. Ate with a mind to calories-in calories-out every day (with a goal of about 1300 calories/day)

Other good news? I've basically recovered from a calf strain and additional nonsense from the past couple of weeks and was able to start running again this week! What a relief. I hate cardio, but I especially hate not-running cardio. I mean, I can't go anywhere on an elliptical, and I get bored easily. 

So perhaps I will be able to get back to saving the world from Zombies in: Zombies Run!  :)

So there's your check in - have a fantastic Canada Weekend everyone who is celebrating, and good luck with this short work week!!

Looking forward to seeing lots of folks next weekend at the PIG ROAST!!! It's always good times!!! 

Hello from the right path

Jungle avoided another day...
Mental health in tact...
Busy week...
Beautiful wedding on Saturday (in a dress that I loved!)...
Ready for another week!

How did last week go for you? Goals set, achievements?  

Making plans for this week 

1. Home made iced tea to avoid any sugary drinks
2. New rule - Piece of fruit or vegetable at every meal
3. Bought some sexy looking Tilapia for supper this week, looking forward to a change from chicken!

Goal - 2lbs (I can do it)

What's your goal for this week? What will be different? How do YOU wanna live your life? 

Lost in the diet jungle again...

So I fell pray to the quick fix Dragon again this week...

Here's the moment: 

Roll into Mom's sewing room to try on the dress I was planning to wear this weekend so she could shorten it, and she strains to zip the dress up all the way to the top...suddenly, I realize that last time I wore this dress was 10lbs ago....Ugh....

Now, it did up pretty snug-ly, more snug-ly than before...and a bit of extra strain on an invisible zipper tends to leave you with a bare back and a red face....Probably not the impression i want to make at someone elses wedding... this is when that ugly voice in the back of my head says: "You could lose that in a week..." 

REALLY!!?!?! REALLY ALICIA!?!?! 10lbs!?!?  

So I've lost 5lbs so far on this soup diet/"cleanse" which is basically = not eating  - AND I HAVE BEEN MISERABLE!!!!! 

So in the height of my misery I happened across a BBQ potluck at the Y where the youth were more than willing to share their treats, chips, burgers and delicious junk with me....a couple of them even brought over the cookies and handed them to me...so I caved. I took that first bite of chocolate macaroon and it was over. Terrible guilt ensued...

Is it really worth it? Is it worth not being able to focus on anything at work because your stomach is grumbling? Is it worth snapping at your coworker for no good reason? Is it worth that mid-day dizzy spell? NO! 

"Crash" diet, adequately named, does just that....leaves you grumpy, hungry, bitter and in a pile on the ground for as long as you can bear it until finally you give up, open up your mouth and fill it. *hello all you fellow emotional eaters out there* When I'm hungry I get grumpy, when I'm grumpy I get sad, when I'm sad I EAT TOO MUCH!  

So again, I affirm for you through my continued lunacy, that diets are bullshit. Pure, foul, bullshit. 

But I have to admit, I'm charmed every time. 

Challenge of the week

Hey Guys Gals and other kinds of folks :) 

Welcome to your Sunday night- the week is about to begin. 

Usually I get to Sunday night and I think, "GUH, what happened to my weekend?? I'm exhausted!" and then sit on the couch all night until it's time to go to bed...Now, while I'm still thinking that (and I may be writing this from the couch...), I'm also thinking: "Somethings gotta give, I don't want to be careening through Monday with a hamburger in my hand and zero opportunities to be active. I need to make a plan, how will I be my best tomorrow? How can I be my best this week?" 

So let's make a plan. 

Tomorrow is a "normal" day for me - no running like crazy, typical hours, nothing out of the ordinary. 

I'll be eating breakfast at home 

I'll be bringing my lunch - salad with ham and boiled eggs, cherries, 2 mini plumcots and sunflower seeds to munch on (check my MyFitnessPal diary to keep me accountable!)

Supper will also be at home - Maybe some Epicure Wedges, salad and a steamer chicken breast....mmmm....Perhaps tomorrow is a soup day...

I'm also going to make up someGillian Michaels Detox Water to drink tomorrow and all week. 

Cardio tomorrow will be a mix of Elliptical and Stairs - goal - between 400-500 calories burned 

Tomorrows goal: Start the week off right - no cheating
This Week's Goal: Be active and have a plan for each day, focus - one day at a time!!! 

New self honesty goal (I've been practicing this since Tuesday): log everything I eat in MyFitnessPal - even if it's bad, and even on a cheat day

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN??????

Need some inspiration? Check out this video on YouTube, one of the best "scientific" perspective on weight loss I've seen in awhile! Cool series actually, if you're a YouTube junkie like me ;)

HA HA HA...okay, I lied

What the heck are those voices in my head anyway? Maybe you can help me identify the culprits, here's what they say: 

"You didn't cheat enough on Friday, now you REALLY need to cheat - YES that cheese, YES those chips, NO SALAD!!!! You're cheating, do it right, you may never get to eat fries again!" 

"Are you REALLY gluten intolerant Alicia? Or is it in your head? Don't you want to test it out again...just to make sure?"

"Well, now you've wasted a whole weekend cheating, you've likely undone all of the hard work that you did last week within two days - might as well make it a third. Mondays suck anyway"

"You're in a HURRY! McDonalds is your ONLY option!!! GO GO GO!!!"
(side note: I ate there 2 times yesterday, GROSS!)

Not long after those voices die down yet another one makes it's way into my head: 

"See, I told you you couldn't do it. You look the same, nothing has changed, just give up already" 

That last one is the hardest to hear. Despite losing 70 pounds I still don't fully BELIEVE that I can lose another 20...stupid right? I feel like even at my fittest I was still "fat." I feel like I can't ever truly shake that feeling of being the "fat girl."  I weighed 165lbs a few years back, my lowest weight. I was a size 10 and looking back - I looked HOT. A little old Italian man stopped me once when I was on my way into a store to check me out and made that "delicious" hand motion....I laughed. He must have been crazy or blind, I thought. 

I always laugh. It's like my own terribly degrading inside joke. 

I cannot tell a lie

I cannot tell a lie...

Speaking as a person whose life is often controlled by food, I'd like to make a confession: 

This weekend, I let food control me, and I liked it...until this morning...

I had two "cheat days" this weekend. Friday was a wild ride through Toronto eating our way through the city all the way to an equally delicious NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK concert...My childhood came to full culmination as I drooled along with thousands of other women while Donny Walburgh ripped his flimsly shirt off his cut chest...

*ahem*

Sunday was my second "cheat day" - second verse, worse the the first. 

I have about one day of grace when it comes to wheat consumption. If I refrain from eating wheat for a whole week I can usually manage one day of indulgence before my stomach revolts. So when I ate a hot dog and some toast and a beer on Friday...that was my day. Sunday was full of more wheat, more indulging and BOY did I notice this morning when I woke up. 

Alright, so what's your point Alicia? 

A huge part of making lifestyle changes is recognizing patterns and breaking them. (Recognizing is hardest because "truth" is hard to live with, knowing the truth requires us to act)

Pattern: Eating TOO much wheat and getting a tummy ache
NEW pattern: Sticking to ONE day - instead of two

Pattern: A 2 day cheat weekend makes it even harder to re-commit on Monday
NEW pattern: ONE cheat day - minimal "cheating" (Fries and beer are my weakness)

Alright, so it's out there. Today is about breaking old patterns, and I sure can't do it alone. Let's tell the truth - even to ourselves and MOVE FORWARD! :)

Looking For a Connection...

Hello all you friendly folks! 

I don't mean to sound terribly positive but today is a good day. A fantastic day even!

Today I said no to pizza
Today I woke up at 5:30am and went to teach a cycle class - that's 410 calories GONE! 
Today I ate completely gluten free
Today I decided to log my progress on MyFitnessPal again (Thanks to a friend who has been working hard since Christmas and has lost 30 POUNDS!!! - Thanks AG!)

SO now, I'd like to challenge you smart phone users to DOWNLOAD THE APP!

It's free - so I'm not asking you to sign your life away. 

Q: What's so great about it?
A: MyFitnessPal lets you set a goal and track your calories in and out every day at a pace that will help you to reach your goals! You can log everything you eat, scan barcodes, search items...it's SUPER helpful, and it's free. 

Q: What if I don't have TIME for that kind of thing - it sounds like a lot of work!
A: You're right. To log every day would mean that you would spend probably 5-20 minutes (depending on your proficiency) logging what you eat. But I would argue that without actually taking the time to at least write down what you eat for a whole week (snacks and cheat days included) - you probably don't know how much you are REALLY eating. 

It's so easy to casually mow down on empty calories - in your drinks, in those little snacks or candies that you idly chew on while you're working, even hidden in what you might consider a "healthy" meal. 

Q: Anything else cool about MyFitnessPal?
A: YEAH! We can be friends and keep each other in check!

Seriously - Add me up abecker25 is my username. I'd love to see you on there, and hear from you! I know you're reading, I see my pageviews increase. So make the connection. Try something new. Even just send me a Facebook message to let me know you're reading! 

Have a fantastic day friends. Tomorrow is a brand new day and EVERYTHING counts, let's clear the slate together :)

This is where I stand - All the juicy details

I am totally fine (not even always begrudgingly) with plugging away at a reasonable weight loss and lifestyle change. Every day I think about what I’m eating, make good decisions, look for opportunities to be active and participate in fitness related activities…I work HARD at moving at an achievable pace and making it stick.

But I’ll be damned if every other radio ad and every other conversation, and every other flashy billboard I drive by doesn’t try to convince me that there is a faster, and easier, a BETTER way to do weight loss.

I’m firmly NOT a believer in those quick, “Dr. approved,” NEW craze diets: The pills, the soups, the shakes, the SUPER fruits, the quick cleanses and the HUGE drain on your wallet that leaves your belly empty and your heart broken.  I don’t believe that we have been living in the dark about health and wellness, and we’ve suddenly stumbled upon something simple we NEVER THOUGHT OF BEFORE!!!!WHEN they work – and many do – they have the same kind of longevity that you put into starting them…SHORT TERM! It’s bologna, and believing in the bologna only perpetuates the problem, inflates the market, creates demand and fosters even more junk that pours out of the mouths of semi-professionals who have an internet degree in bullshit.  

Do you know what works?

Eating clean: Lots of veggies, fruits, lean proteins, and moderate carbs, cut back on those sugary, white, junky foods (think half of what you eat right now – make it reasonable)
Eating enough: Eating complex carbohydrates with every meal to sustain you, eating small healthy snacks throughout the day to avoid the big binge, eating enough of the things that are good for you so that you’re satisfied…and regularly indulging in things that are bad for you (IN MODERATION) so that you don’t feel like you’re missing out.
Being Active: MORE active than you are right now. Don’t work out – try 30 minutes of walking 3x a week…I guarantee that if you do SOMETHING more than you are doing right now and maintain consistency you WILL see a change. If you do NOTHING – you will see NOTHING.  I know you’re busy. Make it work – Walk, jog, gather some friends, do it while the baby sleeps – just do it. You will never regret that extra 30 minutes of activity (no matter how tired you are), you will always regret not doing it.
Being Smart: Don’t be charmed by the masses of people around you who will try to convince you that you are doing it wrong. It is SLOW GOING, but it is SO worth it, and it is YOU who are doing the work.

IT IS YOUR SUCCESS!!!! – Not the success of Jenny, or Bernstein or African Mangoes…

IT TAKES TIME!!! – Don’t be discouraged. Progress can take up to 4 weeks before YOU notice, 12 weeks before anyone else notices.

We’re in it together. Take it from me, there truly is strength in numbers. I need you, you need me. Health and Fitness are too important to do in a vacuum. This is your life. How do you want to live it?

But he kneads me!!

Hey guys and gals, 

I had a great day today! Didn't totally take a nosedive on the healthy eating, had a couple of opportunities to work out (both of which I took...), and even got a bit of a nap this morning. Whaaaa???? When does this happen? (It happens when nothing else gets done, that's when. My laundry is piling up and my house is a mess. If it weren't for Eduardo's superior morning productivity, we would be living in squalor). 

So today I'm posting my foods. Out in the open, no lies, no hiding anything. Just posting. 

As I was drafting this post whilst sitting on my couch, my baby cat (Gimli, or Zazzles - depending on which stage of life you met him at), climbed up - as is his typical practice - to cuddle in his very special way. He finds the softest, squishiest part of you and starts kneading until he dozes off. The little jerk doesn't realize it, but he's in the business of tearing down the old self esteem. Abs of steel you ask? "No," Gimli replies. "These abs are really soft and squishy!" On the other hand, at least he loves me for who I am...squish and all ;)

GIMLI NOMS!!!!!!

Alright, enough banter already - Here's the old sin list (note that I don't count veggies or fruits as calories - those are too good to count): 

Breakfast: 
1 Glutino English Muffin 160 Calories
2 slices Pillers Breakfast ham 60 calories
TOTAL: 220 calories

Lunch: 
1 Glutino English Muffin (pretending to be a hamburger bun) 160 Calories
Home made Chicken Burger 180 calories (approximately)
1 Medium Potato Baked with 2 tsp. Olive Oil 220 Calories (approximately)
TOTAL: 560 calories

Snack #1: 
Rice Crispy Square (courtesy of Norris Bakery and my co-worker Beth!) A GAZILLION CALORIES 

Snack #2/first supper: 
1 cup cherries (FREE!!!)
6 Mary's Crackers 70 Calories
Sliced Cheddar Cheese 150 Calories
TOTAL: 220 calories

Pre-Run Snack: 
1 banana (FREE!!!)

Post-Run Snack/second supper: 
1 small can of sweet chili tuna 160 Calories
1 1/2 cups romaine lettuce (FREE!!!)
TOTAL: 160 Calories

1 Super Frosty Ice Cream Bar - Chapmans 170 Calories

TOTAL for the day: 1330 Calories (not counting the huge number of calories that were likely in that delicious rice crispy square)

Workouts: 
6:40am - Group Power Class (1 hour - Barbell class)
8:00pm - 3km run (30 minutes = 1 zombie mission)

BAM!