Where? Well that I'm not sure of. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach lately...
It's the same feeling that I got when I was little and I was left behind at a wedding...I was too busy playing under a table with some friends I had met that night to realize that my entire family had left...my parents thought my aunt and uncle had me, my aunt and uncle thought my grandparents had me...lo and behold when everyone met at my aunts house I was nowhere to be found. Now, that's the side I always hear about. From my side it felt a bit like, crawling out from under the table, a fort, a sanctuary and scanning the room for just one familiar face and finding none. I'm sure many feelings rushed in, fear of being alone, excitement of being unsupervised, guilt of having hidden unintentionally, loneliness of being forgotten. I'm sure at that point I weighed my options, go back and continue playing, or search harder. There aren't really many options when you are under the age of ten. I don't remember what I did actually. I'm sure my family quickly realized that I was not with them and even more quickly came back to pick me up. They are not negligent, and never have been...but the feeling of being temporarily is what I do remember.
I used to have dreams about being lost. I think everyone does.
So what if I am lost now. For real lost. If I look at a map I can tell you exactly where I am. If I look back through journals and pictures, and hear the stories of my family and friends, I can tell you exactly where I've been. In this moment though, where am I? Who am i? If I scan my life are there familiar faces to rely on? Is the environment friendly? The moving forward scares me too. When you're lost you're supposed to stay put...Do I just stay here under the table and play a bit longer? Or do I stand up and search harder? Will someone just come in and rescue me from choosing at all?
I'm finding more and more that the option of waiting to be found or rescued is not based in reality.
So. I move. Slowly. And sometimes stop and turn around to hide under the table again.
