Reflections from the bottom of the pit

I ate icing with a spoon last night. 
I searched my house for anything else terrible and gluttonous that I could follow up the icing for (thank God my cupboards are full of health food)
I played video games for 3 hours instead of leaving my house or calling up a friend.
I used a headache as an excuse to skip out on running group or any workout. 
I allowed myself to feel fat and useless. 

I'm feeling defeated - but what else is new? 

I had lunch with a kindred spirit recently. We're all in this together. 
Hearing her story, hearing her speak of the battle - the SHARED battle - was good for my soul. 
Thank you Barb.

What do I know with absolute certainty? The way that we treat ourselves, the images that we allow "in" and the damage that we do to not only ourselves, but everyone around us is enormous. 

What else do I know?....I can't live there. You can't live there. We can't be angry forever - but we have to be something. Do something, discover something, something different.

Those images and messages affect us whether we rage against them or not. So how to I affect my own internal messaging? I need dig deep into the will power that I know I have. 

Does that mean I have to be skinny? Is thin the magic answer? 

When I lost most of my weight the first time around I was arrogant. I was a self-righteous, annoying bitch who just wanted everyone to know. I made people think it was easy, I used my "thin-ness" to get things I knew Fat me couldn't have...I was also delusional. 

I believed that being thin would change me. That's why it did. I believed that when I was thin I would be okay, and I would stop struggling, and life would be better. 

25 pounds later I realize thin does not equal easy, and it's not getting easier. 
25 pounds later I understand more poignantly what the battle is about. 
25 pounds later I realize that maybe I've never been meant to be a size 8, but a healthy size 12 might not be so ridiculous to aim for.25 pounds later I wish I could gather together every woman and girl who believes she is too fat to live the life she wants and hold her until she knows that she is not a monster, she is not broken and she is better and stronger and smarter than any label, or judgement or bullshit that anyone puts onto her. 

So despite feeling defeated today, I push forward. Not to the magical "thin" Alicia that will finally be okay. 
I'm okay. 
I just need to accept it and live a healthy active life - for me. 

end rant. 

(but if you need to continue to rage on, do so here: http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/)