Reflections from the bottom of the pit

I ate icing with a spoon last night. 
I searched my house for anything else terrible and gluttonous that I could follow up the icing for (thank God my cupboards are full of health food)
I played video games for 3 hours instead of leaving my house or calling up a friend.
I used a headache as an excuse to skip out on running group or any workout. 
I allowed myself to feel fat and useless. 

I'm feeling defeated - but what else is new? 

I had lunch with a kindred spirit recently. We're all in this together. 
Hearing her story, hearing her speak of the battle - the SHARED battle - was good for my soul. 
Thank you Barb.

What do I know with absolute certainty? The way that we treat ourselves, the images that we allow "in" and the damage that we do to not only ourselves, but everyone around us is enormous. 

What else do I know?....I can't live there. You can't live there. We can't be angry forever - but we have to be something. Do something, discover something, something different.

Those images and messages affect us whether we rage against them or not. So how to I affect my own internal messaging? I need dig deep into the will power that I know I have. 

Does that mean I have to be skinny? Is thin the magic answer? 

When I lost most of my weight the first time around I was arrogant. I was a self-righteous, annoying bitch who just wanted everyone to know. I made people think it was easy, I used my "thin-ness" to get things I knew Fat me couldn't have...I was also delusional. 

I believed that being thin would change me. That's why it did. I believed that when I was thin I would be okay, and I would stop struggling, and life would be better. 

25 pounds later I realize thin does not equal easy, and it's not getting easier. 
25 pounds later I understand more poignantly what the battle is about. 
25 pounds later I realize that maybe I've never been meant to be a size 8, but a healthy size 12 might not be so ridiculous to aim for.25 pounds later I wish I could gather together every woman and girl who believes she is too fat to live the life she wants and hold her until she knows that she is not a monster, she is not broken and she is better and stronger and smarter than any label, or judgement or bullshit that anyone puts onto her. 

So despite feeling defeated today, I push forward. Not to the magical "thin" Alicia that will finally be okay. 
I'm okay. 
I just need to accept it and live a healthy active life - for me. 

end rant. 

(but if you need to continue to rage on, do so here: http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/)

Triumphant Return

We survived a week in the wilds! 

I have to say, it's weeks like this that remind me of why I do what I do. A group of 20+ youth hanging around and learning and growing...Makes me feel young and refuels my energy! It's more of a spiritual energy that is refuelled however, I'm EXHAUSTED!!!

I was able to get out for one good run with a fellow leader - Sebastian. We did a 6.5k "ish" run around Eden Mills and surrounding area. I was foolish enough to forget that the first 3-4k were all uphill, but the run ends down Ash Street in Eden Mills which is a beautiful tree lined shaded lane sparse with houses and nice and flat. The flat road was the best part, but I was worn out from those hills. By the time we made it back to the cabin my running buddy experienced a back spasm and I was nauseous from the heat. We were quite the pair, but we made it! 

I offered our campers the option of doing a work out every morning, sort of a boot camp style "class" and they were so excited (much to my surprise). Both ladies we took along with us were athletes, taking part in either Hockey or Ringette. As an example of just how naturally athletic they were, at the end of the week I handed them some play-dough to play with during our lesson and they immediately created a ball which they used to play catch... So, true to my word I followed through with what we called an "Early Morning Fitness Challenge" and option offered up to anyone in the camp that wanted to participate. The incentive - the winner of each morning's challenge would be rewarded on Friday with ice cream for breakfast!!! (I realize the duality of the message, but c'mon, it's camp!) 

Sure enough, every morning I had a few youth get up and join me in the field at 7:15am  

Our challenge included a deck of cards, each suit had a different exercise attached to it:

(Hearts - burpees, Spades - Crunches, Diamonds - Triceps Dips, Clubs - Push-ups)
The number of "reps" were indicated by the number on the card:
(Aces, Jacks, Kings and Queens were all 10).
The Camper with the most cards at the end of the work out won. We warmed up each day with 20 jumping jacks and we finished our workout with a jog around cabin line field. 

The Friday morning breakfast ice cream was sweet, the company and the staff were all a delight, and yet I am happy to once again be sleeping in my own bed. This will be a tough week to get back into the swing because it ends in another 3 nights at camp! 

I hope everyone had a great week! 

Running Down a Dream

Hey Friends! 

Time for a bit of a check-in, hope your long weekends have been fantastic, It's been a gorgeous one! 

I'm off this week for an adventure at one of my favourite places in the world, Edgewood Camp. That means I'll be a bit off the grid for the week, so I won't be posting. One of the great things about being out at Edgewood is that there are so many long country roads to discover, so I will be taking my running shoes and exploring! Perhaps some pictures to come next week. Here's an oldie featuring my FAVE CAMP BABE Robyn!!!!! (forgive the picture of a picture) We were too hot for words those days...I believe this was some sort of "Nature" banquet perhaps? 

For all of you, have a great week and keep moving :)

A Positive Spin

I need to thank you. All of you. Those who read silently, and those who speak out. After my last post the responses were overwhelming, and so encouraging. I hate to dwell in the negative, and I'm so honoured to have such incredible friends and family members to help to drag me kicking and screaming out of what could have been a significant rut. Thank you. 

In light of my last post a dear friend emailed me via Facebook and shared a bit of their journey. I'd like to take a back seat on this post and let his story impact you like it did me. For those of us who generally see the glass as "half full" this may ignite something. Thank you so much for sharing. This has really shaped the way I've been thinking about myself and this journey this past week!

I've been fighting my weight every day for the better part of my life, and it's been a losing battle for most of it.

But I wanted to share with you a strange 'shift in mindset' that I've gone through recently.

A few months ago, my wife and I were talking, and we were talking about our weight loss woes. She said something that really got to me. I don't remember exactly what she said, but I'll paraphrase.

Me: I'm going to put a 'fat me' pic on the fridge to guilt me into not snacking. My Wife: How is that going to work? You don't respond well to negativity. Me: *pauses for a real long time, like a 'awkward silence' long time*

It was such a simple statement, but it is so wonderfully true. I do not respond well to negativity. Never have.

I know some people who feed off of negativity. They take it as a personal challenge, either to beat themselves or someone else. I'm not saying that negativity makes me run into a corner and cry to sleep, but I generally just 'filter' it out. It's almost like I just ignore the negative stuff.

So yeah, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been fighting my battle with my weight with the wrong weapons.

I put up 'fat me pictures' and weigh myself all the time and say "only 10 more pounds". I guilt myself into not eating. I look in the mirror and lament that it's not happening fast enough, and I critique myself when I'm not keeping up with some arbitrary standard. All this sucks. It just doesn't work for me.

So I'm changed how I look at things. I'm looking at the other side of the coin. It's change in attitude that reflects my normally optimistic attitude. I'm an optimist in almost every sense of my life, except for my weight battle. Time for that to change.

Instead of fighting my weight by looking at how much I have left to go, I look at how much I have done. I put up pictures of 'skinny me', and I put up pictures of my wife and son, to remind myself that I'm doing it for them as much as me. I even put up a picture of a 'StarFleet uniform' reminding me that If I really wanted to be a 'Star Trek' character, I need to be 'fit'. It's weird. I know.

My favourite part of that story is the last line. Fellow Geeks and Nerds unite!

So many thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I hope that you are encouraged as well, we're in it together, and no battle is won alone! :)

Happy Long Weekend Friends!

A Nerdy success picture! Here's to the next few pounds, we're doing great!

Yeah...she could stand to lose some weight...

SO I have to say, I've been debating putting this on here...but I think it's important...and I'm totally pissed...so I might as well share my misery! 

A good friend of mine and I occasionally get together in the midst of our busy lives to fit in a joint work out. It's way more fun to run your ass off with someone else than try to kill yourself on your own (although I do that 4 more times in a week anyway)...So we did, as we usually do. This dear friend shared details from an earlier conversation she had with a co-worker that shocked me.  It went like this (I assume some details as I was not present at the time):

Hey "friend of Alicia" what are you up to? 

Hey "seemingly friendly co-worker" I'm just about to go workout with Alicia. 

Oh, that's good, she could use to lose a few pounds. 

WHAAA!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? 

Some thoughts that come to mind: 
1. WHO ASKED YOU (insert terrible, slanderous cursing here)
2. You're really not one to talk (I could say some hurtful things here, but I really just don't think ANYone is one to talk about another person like that...)
3. You're a grown assed adult (we're not even talking 20 year old jock asshole, this is a full blown 45-50 year old man ...)
4. You don't know me, you don't know what I've been through, and you are not ME so you could not possibly understand what it means to be me fat, skinny or otherwise. 
5. Why would you say that to someone who was clearly my friend...did you really not think that it would get back to me? 
6. WHY can't I stop dwelling on this stupid comment?
7. Why would you say that to ANYONE????????????????

Okay, horse is dead...

I knew my weight has gotten bad...I just didn't realize it was THAT bad. I feel pretty hurt. 

There are so many things I'd like to say here. 

1. I'd really like to help more people understand what it feels like to look down every day and see a roll around your gut that makes you feel like a failure and less of a person. 
2.  I'd like to help people understand that not every person who is overweight has just given up on life and lives on the couch eating bon bons...it's a journey not a cruise. 
3. I wish that people (AND ME TOO) could understand that it takes TIME to lose weight. I'm fitter than I was 2 months ago, but it's not instant and I should not be made to feel bad just because I haven't hit the size 2 mark yet. 
4. I wish I could explain to people how very difficult it is to lose weight when every day you look in the mirror and think, this doesn't fit, I'm not there yet, I'm never going to be there. 
5.  I wish people could understand what a struggle it is to look into the world every day and see people who appear care free and naturally "thin" enjoying a life of over-indulgence and not appearing to pay the price (advertising, facebook, television, you name it)
6. Mostly I just wish that stupid people would keep their stupid mouths shut, but I'm afraid this would be a pretty quiet world if that was the case. 

I have a lot of feels. 
So that being said, we had a great workout tonight. Powered by the self-important fuel from some stupid asshole's big mouth...I'm stronger than he thinks. 

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

ARE YOU REAADDDYYYYYYYY TO CRUSH SOME CALORIES!?!?!?!?

My week: 

Monday - Need to do some Cardio, chillin' with Tdiddy later at Little Bean if you're around! 

Tuesday - EARLY Group Power (6:40am) - Come on out if you want to build big muscles and start your day right!! Meeting that night to talk with some important folks about an important community building BBQ coming up at Christ Lutheran in September (check out: www.christwaterloo.ca for details) 

Wednesday - Hanging out with the Newcomer Youth at the YMCA to talk about Employment, then on to RUNNING GROUP!!!! (in the hot hot heat...pray for us)

Thursday - Supper with one of my faves (hopefully no chili cheese fries...) and then GROUP POWER (6:40pm this time, again....come out if you're ready to rock)

Friday - Short day and then on to the JAYS GAME with another of my faves (YAHHH Crissy!!!) 

Goals: 

1. No wheat/gluten (I know I say this all the time, but it's a struggle...EVERYTHING has wheat, and it's really hard to weigh the consequences vs. the convenience sometimes)

2. Keep them calories low (STAY ON TRACK!!)
3. Hit the GYM - Every day (maybe not Friday...)

Hot as BALLS!!! Tennis balls that is...

So tonight, against my better judgement, I joined 3 of my running buddies at the A.R. Kaufman Family YMCA for a little "Outdoor Fitness Challenge" in the 40 degree heat...

Let me begin by saying, I was less than motivated today. In fact I'm close to writing off this whole week in terms of any sort of attempt at being healthy (it's already Wednesday for goodness sake). Today was one of those days that started with McDonalds and ended with Frozen Yogurt (topped with all sorts of delicious things that easily took the calorie count from about 200 to 1000...see picture below)

SO, despite feeling like I might puke, I ventured out into the parking lot of the Kaufman Y where I, and the other victims of Mat's evil schemes, ran around looking for hidden tennis balls, throwing tires around, doings burpees and passing fire hoses under our planked bodies...After recovering from the slight nausea (caused by the heat of course...not the hamburger I ate for supper), I had a pretty good time. Cheering someone on as they flip a tractor tire through the parking lot is fun. Pushing someone around until they fall down is a cool game, and sweating balls in the middle of a hot day with a bunch of friends is actually a worthy pursuit. 

Then it hit me again. It's not about just me on this journey. It's the "us" that counts. 

So this week has been me-centric, and I've been feeling miserable. I'mma go ahead and try to make this fun again. Give me a shout, I'll try to do the same for you. Lemme know what you're up to, what your struggles are, what the good news is...it's not just you or me out there doing it on our own. Without each other we WILL fail. 

Closing thought: If I never do another burpee in my life I'll be just fine ;)